Monday, September 1, 2008
I am disabled and though some of the disability is visible, a good part of it you can not see, and I have had people look at me as if I were "faking it" or making to much out of it, when the truth of the matter is I am disabled, I have something wrong with me, but who doesn't. I find strength in my faith though, for years I went from doctor to doctor, seeking answers, even had one tell me "It's all in your head", but when I finally found a decent doctor after tests, they saw that I was not lying or pretending, that in deed I have something wrong with me in the physical sense and when I finally found a doctor who listened, who ran the necessary tests, and had a preliminary answer a NMD, (Neuromusuclar disorder)and steps were taken to make sure I had what I needed, AFO's (Braces that Support Weak ankles) prescriptions for pain, and spasms, as well as other things, and yet through it all I have been told I am strong, and I continue to be active, because though my muscles may be betraying me, my mind is still active, and i am blessed to still have the ability to walk, which is no small thing with a NMD, I have learned that no matter what others say when my body tells me its time to rest, I better take heed and listen though, so I have learned that if I want to lead an active life, if I want to continue to work with the kids at the church, if I want to continue to spend time on my next book, and working for my dear friend, and have my weekly Bible Study with my friend Lisa, I better listen to what my body is telling me, and not pay attention to those who look at me as if somehow I am faking all this.In Christs LoveMichelle~
As I had time of personal devotion and prayer last night, I thought I would once again write about a subject that we as Christians all need to work towards and that is forgiveness. In my early walk with Christ I learned the importance of forgiveness when the Lord spoke to my heart for me to forgive my Father for the innapropriate ways he had touched me as a child, so I forgave Him, it's not always easy, because something like that lingers with you for life, but you can't dwell on it. A few years ago I sent my Dad an email letting go of the past and starting a new relationship with my Father, it is not conventional in any sense of the word, but I call him and he calls me from time to time, visits are rare because he lives over three hundred miles away, and he is remarried, but I actually like my step family, my step sister Dannielle spent some time with us a few years ago, wanting to get away, she was and I am sure still is a sweet young woman, but she had been so indoctrinated by the Mormon church that was a subject we avoided, though I spent alot of time praying for her, I had been a Mormom myself as a child, but from the time I was little something just didnt ring true about the truth, I attended the Catholic Church with my Grandmother as well, which I liked alot better, because of Father Kelley, a red haried priest who was by no means a conventional priest, in fact he would blow some of the theories of the catholic church out of the water. In my final year of highschool my life did a oeneighty, and I once again found myself in the town I had spent half my life in, graduating from the same high school my Mom and Dad did, and meeting a wonderful group of Bible believing friends who pointed me to the true light found in Christ, when I told my Mom I was leaving the Mormon church she told me that was my decision and she was not going to stand in my way, I was so thankful she had not, because in April of 1996 I gave my heart to Jesus, and that July I was baptized in the Waters of Pine Crest lake, my friends had spent alot of time praying for me, believing for me.Sadly some of those same friends have fallen from the Lord, but Amy is still Amy, the sweet friend that first pulled me aside and told me Jesus loves me, the first that told me that I was part of ehr circle of friends, and that made Senior Year my Best Year, because I had the Lord in my heart, and friends who loved me for whio I was, I see Amy and Alissa from time to time, they both have children now, Amy's oldest nearly as old as my niece already, and her youngest nearly four, she has a little girl in the middle who is about eight or nine, they named her Tommie after Amy's Father, who was incidently one of the first men I truly felt comfortable around, he was and is such a kind and gentle soul.It was around the time I was saved, perhaps a year or two before, that my body began betraying me, bladder weakness, a nasty spill that left me with a cracked lip, six months later at Graduation that lip was still split and fat, and from this day I find that my lips chap easily and I get sore, fatigue that was not normal for someone so young, and for nearly ten years doctors gave me different answers, people told me different things, and some well meaning believers told me I must be doing something wrong, because I was not healed, but that never rang true with me, because though we all will receive the ultimate healing in Heaven, sometimes the Lord can use our infirmities in some deeper way. Like giving you grace in a fall, today I found myself meeting intimately with the payment, my muscles just gave out, my legs became like rubber and suddenly I was on the ground, a few seconds later after getting my barings I managed to pull myself up and go home to clean the scraped knees and hands, I am a little sore, but this is nothing I can't handle. I am sure there are moments when I shake my fists in the air and ask God why, but today wasnt one of those moments, I just came home laid down for a bit until my cousin Frankie came over, and suddenly my concern turned to Him, he looked so lost, so depressed, trying to drown his sorrow in a forty ounce bottle of Coors, he rarely drank before, but things have changed since Nonna passed away nearly five years ago, and all the years of having parents that kind of push him to the side has weighed on his very spirit, I found myself praying for him, telling him I loved him we have always been close, as children we were always giving my Mom a reason to gasp and say "Those two are going to kill themselves." Like the time we went skateboarding straight down the mountain, or the time we were at Nonnas and hid in the neighbors house, nobody lived there yet, and to us that was our personal play house.Its no wonder he comes to us when he has trouble, reaching out to someone, someone who is not going to judge him unfairly, someone who is going to truly pray for Him, I find myself praying that he learns to let go and let God, just as I have learned to do, he and I are still close, in some ways more like brother and sister than cousins, we were the ones who used to wait for Santa to come, thinking that sitting on the porch swing, sipping on Lemonade when we were younger was going to make July magically turn into December. In many ways my family and he are closer than he is to his parents, he calls his Mom and Dad by their first name, and my Mom Auntie, and of course Sean and I are Cuz, but right now it is only a shell of Frankie I see, and my heart breaks for him.Lord reveal Frankie to you, I pray, and give him what you have given me, the ability to let go of past hurts and pains and to give them to God..
.In Christs Love Michelle~
.In Christs Love Michelle~
How many times have I had judgement passed on me by both the disabeld community and the non disabled community because of the way I look or act, I want others to look beyond the AFO's ( the braces I use to support my weak ankles, and the meds that keep my body functioning the way it should be, I have been judged by believers and non believers alike, maybe you're to weak, maybe your doing something wrong, but I do not see it like that, I see that even in this the Lord can teac me, especially in this he can teach me, patience, understanding, and he can give me the ability to reach out to others in understanding...